Welcome to my world

Title: Life or Death

Pairing: Atsushi x Asagi

Genre: AU, vampires, historical, romance, angst

Warning/Disclaimer: Warning for illness and drama. Asagi and Atsushi do not belong to me. The universe, the character portrayals, and the writing do though.

Rating: PG

Chapters: 3/5

Summary: Atsushi is struggling to adapt to the new technologies of the Meiji Period and often hides out in the countryside where little has changed for the last century. Out in the country, he meets Asagi: a young and beautiful, but sickly, human who quickly wins his heart. When Asagi falls ill with a fatal disease Atsushi must decide between saving Asagi's life by turning him into a vampire or keeping him human and letting him slip into death.

Author's Comment: I am very sorry for how long it's taken me to post this chapter. I'd lost inspiration for this fic then was able to get the mood back. I had two scenes of this chapter already written so pieced them together, did some editing, and am finally posting this.

Three months had passed since Atsushi accepted Asagi’s proposal to live with him. During those three months, their friendship had deepened. Atsushi had fallen hopelessly in love with his sweet host. He hadn’t believed it possible to love someone again. Yet that love had happened. Atsushi sensed that Asagi shared his feelings, but didn’t want to push the other man into confessing. Asagi was still so young. He needed time to come to terms with his emotions. It was unlikely that Asagi had ever been in love before. Not when he'd been isolated to the countryside for the sake of his health.

“Atsu.”

“Mm?” The vampire glanced over as he heard his name.

Asagi smiled at him then leaned back on his hands. The summer breeze stirred his hair as he looked up at the stars. “Thank you for walking with me. For showing me that the night can be just as beautiful as the day.” He turned his gaze back to the vampire, soft light from the lantern laid over his thighs making his hair and clothing shine in the darkness.

“You’re welcome.” Atsushi reached out to brush Asagi’s hair back over his shoulder. Humans were meant to thrive in the daylight so he appreciated that Asagi enjoyed taking nighttime walks with him. He always brought a lantern with him and, for Asagi’s safety, they didn’t stray too far from the manor. But Asagi came with him and enjoyed their time together.

Asagi opened his mouth to speak. The words died on his lips when he started to cough. He pressed the sleeve of his kimono over his mouth, coughing harder.

Atsushi bit his lip and moved closer to rub Asagi’s back. He wished he could do more to help him. Once the coughing fit had ended, Asagi rubbed his chest while a grimace twisted his beautiful face. He coughed so much that he had frequent chest pains. This human was the cause of so much worry for Atsushi. His coughs didn’t seem to be anything serious. However, in the three months that Atsushi had stayed at the manor, he’d seen Asagi with a fever, coughing almost daily, abed with terrible headaches… what was the cause of Asagi’s frequent illnesses? The countryside air was supposed to help him. Atsushi wondered if there was any place in their world that would give Asagi health.

He sighed softly as he rose to his feet. “I think we should go back to the manor.”

“It was only a cough. And I feel fine!” Asagi protested.

“And yet you hold your chest with a look of pain.”

Asagi frowned at him. “I’m not ill, Atsu. I want to stay here and watch the stars for a little longer.” He looked puzzled when Atsushi leaned down then yelped in protest as the vampire swept him up into his arms, lantern and all. “Put me down!”

“You won’t leave unless I carry you away from here by force.”

Asagi glowered up at him. “Are you a highwayman come to carry me off?”

Atsushi chuckled softly. “Not quite.” Ignoring the other man’s protests, he carried him down the hill.

“I am perfectly capable of walking by myself!” Asagi complained. He gave Atsushi a stern look.

The vampire laughed softly as he adjusted his grip on Asagi. "For the sake of your health you shouldn't push your body."

Asagi gave him a mutinous look. "You sound like my doctor."

"I'm doing this because I care." Atsushi hid a smile as he heard Asagi's heart quicken.

"You-" whatever Asagi would have said was cut off when he started to cough again. The lantern shook as Asagi tried to get his breathing under control. Atsushi sighed softly as he listened to the coughs. Maybe it was a mistake to have brought Asagi with him for his nighttime walk. He should be resting in his bedroom. Atsushi would be more careful with him the following night.

Panting softly, Asagi leaned his head against Atsushi’s shoulder. “I wish I could be as healthy as you,” he whispered.

Atsushi bit his lip. “I wish you could too.” The health of his body wasn’t quite realistic though. He became sickly as well—for a vampire—when it’d been too long without blood. Exhaustion, his injuries didn’t heal, and his skin started to crack after a week without blood. Atsushi had to be very careful to wet his appetite so as not to arouse the suspicion of his hosts.

Asagi let out a sigh. He seemed as if he would speak again, but he was quiet until the lamps outside the manor came into view. “We’re almost to the entrance now. Please, put me down! I can walk!” He protested.

It was tempting to refuse him. Atsushi decided to finally honor his host’s demands though. “All right. I will carry you if your coughing gets worse," he warned. He didn't want the other to strain himself.

Asagi nodded quickly. “I won’t protest then.”

Atsushi gently set him down on his feet, laying a supportive hand on his back in case he needed help to find his balance.

Asagi smoothed down his hair and clothing with the hand not holding the lantern. "You fuss more than my doctor does," Asagi grumbled.

"As I said... I do it because I care." Atsushi smiled as Asagi blushed. "Let's get you inside."


"Asagi?" Atsushi gently rapped his knuckles against the shoji. When he returned with their coughing master, the servants had rushed to prepare a bath and tea for Asagi and the doctor came to check on him. Atsushi had retired to his room to give Asagi some space. It'd been enough time that the activity over Asagi should have ended by now and he wanted to check on his sweet host.

"Come in."

Atsushi slid the shoji aside so he could enter. Asagi was sitting up on his futon while he combed his damp hair. A blanket lay over his legs and another was wrapped around his shoulders. For a few moments, Atsushi simply studied him. Asagi’s skin had a light flush from his bath and his breathing and heart rate seemed to be normal. "How do you feel?"

Asagi gave him a wry smile. "I'm not as ill as you think me to be. I'm a little tired but that's all." He set the comb aside.

"You don't have a fever? Headache? What about the cough?"

Asagi gave him a look of fond exasperation. "I don't have a fever, I haven't coughed since I took my bath and my medicine, and your persistent questioning is going to give me a headache."

Atsushi laughed softly as he sat down next to Asagi. "I can't help but worry about you. You've been so kind to me ever since we met. It's... Difficult to see you so ill."

"I've been sickly since my birth," Asagi reminded. "I'm used to my poor health. Still, I do as much as I can so I can live a full life."
"That's a good philosophy to follow."

Asagi blushed as Atsushi moved a little closer to him. "Thank you. I could spend my days being upset and miserable because I'm not strong like you. But it's easier this way. I do as much as my health... And now you," the exasperated look returned, "allow me to do."

Atsushi reached out to run his fingers through Asagi's damp, silky hair. "As I said earlier," he said softly, hearing Asagi's pulse quicken from his nearness and the touch. "I fuss because I care." He hesitated as he studied Asagi's face. Outside, he had no intention of confessing his feelings. It was too soon, Asagi was too young, and he didn’t want to push the other to return the confession or make him feel guilty if Atsushi had read him wrong and Asagi felt nothing but friendship for him. Yet… hearing Asagi cough like this… reminded Atsushi that mortal life was too short to waste on uncertainties. As a vampire, it would be easy for Atsushi to wait decades to see if their friendship would develop into love. Asagi might not have decades though. And that thought scared him.

"Asagi," he said softly. "I... I didn't think I would be capable of loving someone again. Long ago I gave my heart to another. But during our time together, I've grown to care so deeply for you. I love you, Asagi." Tenderly he brushed the blushing human's hair back. "I've fallen for your sweet nature and your charms. I love you so much and I am so grateful to you for everything you've done. All the kindness you showed me-"

He blinked as Asagi put a finger to his lips. His host was still blushing but he smiled warmly as he shifted closer to Atsushi. "I'm the one who should be thanking you. For most of my life I've been isolated to this manor. But you came, you stayed, and you taught me about the outside world. You became my friend. I love you too," he gave Atsushi a shy smile. "I wondered if someone existed who could ever love someone as sickly as me but you did." Impulsively he threw his arms around Atsushi's neck, filling the vampire's nose with Asagi's scent. Roses and soap from his bath, the tea he drank earlier...

Atsushi returned the embrace. For a few minutes he simply held Asagi. To be loved again... it was a surreal feeling.

"That's why I worry so much about you." He nuzzled Asagi's hair. "I love you, I fear for your health, and I hate to see you suffer."

He knew he should tell Asagi the truth right then. That the man who returned his love was not an ordinary man. Asagi deserved to know that Atsushi wasn't human. But if he told him now... How could Asagi ever accept him?

Three Years Later

Atsushi would forever remember the day the rainy season began in 1895. It represented one of the darkest times in his long life. He’d seen so many rainy seasons come and go over the years. Memories blurred together or were forgotten. Yet this day would make him view this time in a different light for the rest of his life.

The fateful day started as his days so often did. After becoming an official resident of the manor, he and Asagi had coordinated their schedules. Part of their waking hours were spent during the day for Asagi and part during the night so Atsushi would be able to walk outside with the other man.

It was late afternoon now and Atsushi was starting to wake up. He could feel the warmth of Asagi’s body next to him and gentle fingers running through his hair. Such a relaxing feeling. Atsushi didn’t want to open his eyes just yet.

The peaceful moment was disrupted when Asagi began coughing loudly. Atsushi opened his eyes and turned to look at his lover. Asagi was sitting upright on their futon, yukata hanging off his shoulder and hair a mess from lying down. His hand was clasped over his mouth as he coughed. Atsushi sat up as well and gently rubbed Asagi’s back. It’d been three years since they confessed their love to each other. Asagi’s health either improved or declined during their time together. Something felt… different about this cough though. It gave Atsushi a bad feeling.

He kept rubbing his lover’s back until he’d stopped coughing.

“My throat hurts,” Asagi whispered in a raspy voice. He slumped against Atsushi’s side then gave him an apologetic look. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

“There’s no need to apologize for coughing.” Atsushi kissed the top of his lover’s head. He rubbed Asagi’s back again, biting his lip as he listened to the younger man catching his breath. Asagi was so often sickly that Atsushi had adjusted to the sound of his frequent coughing. Yet something about this cough made him feel anxious. Why though? What was so different now?

“Should I get you some tea?”

“Please.” Asagi brushed his hair back then looked up at his lover. His face was paler than normal—or that could be a mere illusion caused by his night-black hair and pale grey kimono. Atsushi pressed a tender kiss to his lover’s lips with a promise to return quickly. Then he stepped out of the room.

Once he had the tea, Atsushi returned to their room. Over the years he’d learned that mixing some of his blood into his lover’s tea or food would improve Asagi’s health. The small amounts of vampire blood Asagi ingested did help him but now… Atsushi wasn’t sure if he would be able to do anything for his love. Worried, he stepped into the room so he could give his lover the tea.

*

Asagi’s cough and chest pains continued throughout the week. On the fourth day, a servant was sent to bring the doctor from the nearby village. The doctor closed himself and Asagi in his room to conduct his examination.

A worried Atsushi waited in the hallway with the cook and the maid. The two had known Asagi since his birth. The servants couldn’t hear what was occurring in Asagi’s bedchamber, but Atsushi could. Every word, every cough, every concerned noise from the doctor as he examined Asagi.

“How long have the coughs gone on?”

“Four days. They began with the rains.”

“I see.” The doctor sighed as Asagi coughed again. He didn’t speak while the coughs continued then made quiet noises of concern. Was he examining Asagi now? Atsushi wished he was in the room so he could support his lover.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Asagi, but these are not ordinary coughs like the ones I’ve heard from you over the years.” Another sigh. “If my diagnosis is correct… and I believe it is… you have tuberculosis.”

Asagi sucked in a breath. “Tuberculosis?”

“Yes,” the doctor said softly. “I’m so sorry, Asagi.”

“…Could you send Atsushi in?”

“Of course.” Atsushi heard the doctor leave the room then he came down the hall where Atsushi, the maid, and the cook were waiting.

The maid stopped wringing her hands as she saw the doctor. “Asagi…?” she trailed off as the doctor shook his head, expression grave.

The man sighed as he looked at them. “Asagi… has tuberculosis.”

Atsushi closed his eyes. He knew of this disease. He’d heard about the havoc it wreaked in Europe. Now tuberculosis had come to this manor. “Is there any way to cure him?”

The doctor shook his head sadly. “No one has been able to find a cure yet. It’s best that he get plenty of rest. All we can do is to be there for him.” He took a breath as if to continue then seemed to think better of it. Atsushi could fill in what he’d planned to say.

Until the end.

“He asked for you,” the doctor said.

Atsushi nodded. Quietly he excused himself. Once he was out of sight he practically flew to his lover’s room. The shoji was still ajar and Asagi sat on his futon, arms around himself. He was so pale. Slowly he raised his head to look at Atsushi. The vampire was already walking across the room to him. He knelt in front of his lover, gently cupping his face as he saw tears welling up in Asagi’s eyes.

“I’m going to die from this,” he whispered.

“Shh… don’t say such things.” Atsushi stroked the tears away as they slid down Asagi’s cheeks. His hands started to tremble and he pulled Asagi into his arms. Why… why did every man he love fall ill? He hugged Asagi close to him, biting his lip as his lover sniffed and clung to him.

“I’m scared,” Asagi’s voice cracked. “People with tuberculosis die. There’s no cure… I’m going to die coughing up blood.” He started to tremble as he clutched Atsushi tightly. “There are still so many things I wanted to do. So many things I wished to see.” He took a shaky breath then coughed again. “And now I’ll never do any of these things.”

Atsushi slowly stroked his lover’s hair. He wanted to offer him encouragement. Tell Asagi that he was strong enough to make it through this disease. But he couldn’t bring himself to lie to his lover. Tuberculosis was an executioner. Once a person contracted the disease, it was unlikely they would survive.

That diagnosis began a nightmare that no one in the manor could awaken from.


Notes
1) I did some research on tuberculosis to look into symptoms and the history. Nasty disease :( I read that it killed 30% of the European population in the 1800s. Japan had terrible awareness for treating TB patients. They usually only went to TB wards when they were near the end of their life. By then, they'd probably infected other people already.
2) This fic will either end with Chapter 4 or Chapter 5. It's going to depend on how the next chapter turns out.
3) I've got finals coming up so I can't say that I'll get Chapter 4 done quickly, but I promise it won't take as long as Chapter 3 did.
4) Thank you to everyone for being patient with me